April 28, 2000

Change the mystery.

Thought I knew the answers. Words flowing, like rich wine, between us and them. It's all dreaming now. Fights over paper dolls and candle wax. Glowing with the fever of remembrance. You changed me. Challenged even. The choice was simple, and choices never are. I can't help but think the issues were premeditated. Understood long before there was any crossroad here at all.

Temptation has never left my side. All the while, I cling to the regret of it. The isolation of it all. The ground you never touched, the air you never breathed. It's all here, surrounding me in my guilt and wonder. Could I ever have really been the girl you saw? Seeking all the while? Not until your eyes left the pedestal did she ever exist. Not until it crumbled beneath harsh words and the wisdom of your insecurity.

I'm beginning now to understand the lines I drew before you. The challenge is in changing their direction, and finding a single blessed moment in which the world turns beyond regret and fallacy.

And so begins the mystery.