December 1, 1998

the room is spinning. i'm talking and no one is listening. except you. and her. and all to often, me. these doors are locked. i don't know why i can't open them. i solve rubix cubes and i do crosswords in pen. the apartment is dirty because cleaning it bores me, OKAY?! i hate your sardonic tone. shut up. i don't want to be her for you and i'd rather you be her for me. how's that for stimulating conversation. i'm talking and no one listens. because they don't know who "they" are? yes. i love silence and so why is it so loud in here? why don't you shut up for once? if i found the glue i would be happy. hold the pieces for me until i do. i keep dropping things and bumping into walls. i fell down three stairs and i wish there were a cliff at the end. gawd. they stared at me like i was a freak. water running. birds screaming. kids yelling. head pounding. i need a job. i need solace. i need a closet in which to SCREAM loudly. my shoes came untied or i fogot to tie them and so i've landed and i'm alive. and you know, that really pissed me off. sometimes. let's you and i get together for something. pretending is only good enough when i'm happy. i miss so much of every thing it's ridiculuous. i want warmth and solitude and safety and lips. i want rain and snow and sky and the highest hills i can climb. your lips would be nice if only they would stop talking. what if i want hers instead? my mind would be perfect if only it would stop thinking. these things are unattainable. we used to be in love with the world. what happened between hating being there with them and hating being here alone? no. i'm not talking about you so stop crying. someone makes me smile and i wish i could keep them. can i? dreaming used to be so much fun and now it's elusive and difficult. please kick my ass and make me get the fuck up off the floor and so something about what i'm feeling and why before i never get up again. shut up. stop crying. it's nothing to do with you.

thank you. goodnight.