December 3, 1998

later...

hi. me again. i took a nap of sorts and now the room is spinning. more like my head. perhaps yes. i should eat again. my body seems to demand it. there's more to life than this? i see. if we jumped it would be cold you think. just beyond the undertow, under the pier. floating safe and alone. someone get the bird off my head. and what about ignorance they are taught and how much they adore women who smile happily at them. she's always beside herself in her control and envy of me and them and now it's you too. i am so impossible. i never listen to anything you say yes. the screaming stopped when i reminded you of my mother. my mother...oh wouldn't she be proud. err. i want to. let's go away someplace far. Look. i'v found the glue. now where are those fucking pieces? how do i explain things to someone who is so convinced i am incapeable and damaged? he doesn't understand and i'm supposed to explain. great. i'm thinking of this girl who does. who do you see when you close your eyes. you don't even want to know what i am thinking because it would surely Shock you. when will you understand there are reasons i can't give you? i want a hat too and you bring me knees you know that don't you. i'm no good at being so much out of control. i know i'm not making sense. my head is scattered. my mind is hopeful and terrified. come on, tiffany, it's easy. yes or no. one two three...breathe....yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. i am yours.

i hate that just when i think i know myself, i learn a new and frightening thing. overnight. bam. everything changes. not bad. maybe good but that's not up to me, now is it? what am i thinking? is that a fair question? "stuff?" "things?" "thoughts?" more like you.

"you're so vague" she said. "vague in a weird way." well, vaguely, today i am okay. thank you for caring. thank you for staying longer than you should have. thank you for being the beautiful person that you are. i needed that.

err. i'm so fucking tired. i've slept all of 3 of the past 48 hours. excuse me...um...i'll just be napping over here if anyone needs me.

buh bye.