December 15, 1998

i slept the day away. thoughts running like polluted water from my mind. i am not alive today. escaping the normal has left my conscience dulled. i need release from this brutal reality and your constant screaming. just leave me to my shaking, i'm better at loathing than you are. i've been sickened by the twists and breaks more often.

crashing, melting ice and yelling brutalities. i hate it when that happens. i need to find some peace and it's crawling inside my head and eating at my mind. constant humming, buzzing, burning in my head. i tried your answers and they only make me sleep. now let's pretend i know my own heart and eat the frozen tomatoes under moonlit dumpsters. don't you see me dying in your arms? when are you going to let go of this illusion, allusion, delusion? and me? i want to stay here forever in this dank circle and wipe away your tears with my soiled napkins and love you like the first time we cried.

take me back to when i was happy, and i'll kiss you in all the places we forgot. tell me i'm your own sweet salvation and i'll keep you with me in this underground hell we've built. feed me to my demons before they get to you as well.

thank you for waiting until my fingers stopped breaking on the wheel. i would have died had you not been there to close my eyes and breathe my shallow breath inside me. such a dream within my amazed eyes you have become.