January 24, 1999

our gods have assembled in this place of irony. tell me where the bloodied gates are, i'm starting to find my jewels in the river bed, just beneath the undertow.

remember the penny on the tracks.

i thought for a while that i felt you there with me. i realize now it was only me hoping for some semblance of gratitude from within this hallowed place. we made it halfway to the island before our time ran away from us...shouting in the canyons and from behind your laughter. i swallowed your pride and my ambition. i followed your dreams into muddied water and beyond the realization of this guilt. what the hell happened to my music and the glass ornaments hanging in your hair? birthday candles. perfect restaurant atmosphere and wine...you hated it all but me.

i can see it so clearly now.

the candy colored roses i saw in mirrored shame were just a reflection of the ghostly person i loved before rising tides and banquet halls found me hiding.

i'm glad we died that day. forever is so distant now. i have forgotten what i lost when we ran through the trees and avenues. i have found something far greater in my own hands than i ever saw in your eyes. you gave me the power to grow beyond you and i have.

and freedom is less than a heartbeat away from my own awkward gratitude.