February 1, 1999

no reason to feel this downward spiral.

it's all mine to handle this time and i'm running out of breath and shallow integrity. swallow me up from this silent escape. i need a difference of opinion to turn to. don't tell me it's okay to feel this way. don't tell me it's normal or justified or understandable. yell into my eyes and feel the power of tears rushing toward you. i'm trying to tell you it's breathing and screaming and awkward to be this. how is it you only hear my self-pity and doubt? shower me with guilt, for i am the deserver.

and yet...

i find reason to complain without reading all the chapters of your life. your magnitude of helplessness is greedy and aloof. i am certain you are the key to my sanctity and the measure of my grave. bastard child of belief and ignorance.

i am overwhelmed with the power of my own battered pride.