September 3, 1998 11:36 p.m.

okay. i'm getting tired of trying to keep everyone happy here. it seems lately, i can do nothing right with anyone. if i make a friend, it's wrong. if don't want more out of a friend than i do, it's wrong. if i want to talk to two friends at the same time, it's wrong. if i don't tell someone about a friend, it's wrong. if i do tell someone about a friend, it's wrong. this is just pathetic.

so, now i'm going to lay it on the line for all of you right here and now.

first of all, this life i have here is mine. i lead it for no one but me and my kids. i don't care who you are. because of that, i don't owe anyone an explanation for anything. if you can't deal with the person i am...don't. simple as that. seems that all day long i hear someone complaining that they aren't getting enough of my attention, or the pedestal isn't high enough. well, i have news for you. the pedestal doesn't exist here. you're all on the ground, baby. not one of you is up high enough for me to smell the stink of your feet. see, i realize that i'm wonderful and amazing and all, and that you all want a piece of my time. but c'mon! don't try holding it against me or guilt tripping me into things just because you feel rejected sometimes. i'll try damn hard to keep my friends happy and all, but there has got to be a line somewhere. and the demands everyone is making on me lately are too much. let's try to be adults here, shall we?

i guess it really comes down to this: i don't really care what anyone says--i'm going to be friends with who i want, when i want, how i want and for as long as i want. it's no one's business what happens there unless i make it their business. and i don't OWE anyone any explanations for what i do. if i want to give you one, i will. otherwise, leave it alone.

alright. i guess that's it. geezzzz! and people wonder why i keep to myself so much.